The student news site of Kalani High School

Ka Leo O Kalani

The student news site of Kalani High School

Ka Leo O Kalani

The Gay Agenda (Satire)


The “Gay Agenda” is overrunning our nation. Straight people have the right to fear. So I, a queer person of this secret nation, am finally deciding to come out of the closet. About our agenda. Not anything else of course.


First, we will be removing any form of straight media in this world. As you can see by the one gay kid in that Disney movie “Strange World” that nobody saw because Disney refused to market it, we are clearly getting close.


Straight people have only millions of straight representation left! Horrifying!


We will next be rioting again like we did so violently on January 6, 2021, at the capitol… wait no that was conservatives…




You know those two old dead white guys who lived together, had rings together, and sent love letters? Historians call them best bros, and while that is obviously the truth, we will be implementing our rainbows into your dead guys and making them gay.


Alexander Hamilton will have a new song implemented called “My Shot, at the straight people”


Music? Gay. Lil Nas X will be leading our bands throughout the superbowl and we will replace “The Star-Spangled Banner” with Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl and I Liked It”


Kids will no longer sing to the American flag at the beginning of school but the bisexual flag instead while singing “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga.


Students will be presented with a new core class, queer class, where they will learn about how it is wrong to be straight, they will be given testosterone or estrogen to trans them up. While their Mx, they/them teacher thoroughly explains gay sex to the class.


Talent shows will be replaced by drag shows.


Binders will be given to girls and boys will wear skirts, required by the dress Code.


The Department of Education will be replaced by the Department of Edu-gay-tion.


All catholic or christian schools will be broken down immediately by Ru Paul’s heels, and all bibles will be burned in a communal bonfire where we gays will hold hands and singing Sam Smith’s “Unholy” with our crackly testosterone-filled voices.


We will then reprint a new version of the Bible, “Bible 2.0 Yass slay queen baby Jesus” and we will tell the tales of Jesus Christ the non-binary savior and their group of gays.


In our agenda. We’ll tell people that they can believe in anything they want! That as long as they are nice people, their own religion is their own business and not ours! MAYBE we’ll teach people, even Christian people, that others who have a different religion to them, or none at all, are completely valid. MAYBE we’ll teach them not to put down other people’s religions or force them on others, even after others say they aren’t interested. Maybe, it doesn’t actually matter if the bible believes gay people are sinful or not, because it doesn’t matter AT ALL to people who DON’T believe in the bible!




We will get down on our hands and knees and beg endlessly for forgiveness from an enormous sky dadd… wait no. That’s already what happens. Nevermind, the christians got that one down for us.


In delivery rooms, we will be immediately providing newborn infants with a legally required shot of testosterone and every birth certificate will say something along the lines of “Gender: Trans” because that makes grammatical sense. As a very smart, straight, cisgender, person on instagram once told me while making hate comments on a Dylan Mulvaney video. “No doctor is going to look at a baby and say it’s trans.” Which is obviously a valid concern.


If any child tries to come out to a parent as straight, a good parent will kick them out of the house immediately.


And finally! We will take over politics! Implementing laws with BAN and DEMONIZE straight, cisgendered people! Starting with the Don’t Say Straight! (Any correlation to Florida’s don’t say gay bill is purely coincidental, I mean it’s not like straight people are discriminating against us at all!)


We’ve already got 589 bills in progress which PRIORITIZE transgender people! Wait what does “anti-trans” mean… oh.


Do you see it! Our agenda is filled with successes! You can already see how much progress we’ve made. It’s thrilling. I’m thrilled.


At the end of the day, you may think we are taking this too far, perhaps we are discriminating against the straights! But the truth is! I’m not heterophobic, I have a straight friend!

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About the Contributor
Azriel Togle-Wilson
Azriel is a sophomore and is an outgoing, passionate, fun-spirited person who enjoys collaborating and getting work done (including world domination).

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