Local teen’s free time completely eaten by hit game ‘Elden Ring’


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Elden Ring’s starting area, Main Limgrave.

Haruto Gannon, Satire

Elden Ring, FromSoftware Inc.’s new hit released on Friday, Feb. 25 on PC, PlayStation, and Xbox platforms, has successfully claimed another poor soul’s free time by the name of Nonnag Oturah (9), not the author.

The game, being an open-world action role-playing “soulsborne” series game, has taken precious hours out of well over 10 million people on the planet, according to company sales charts.

“I spent my entire weekend and after-school hours playing this game,” Oturah states with a somber look in his eyes. “God, I didn’t even study for my math final exam.”

Of course, he did not do his upcoming homework either, knowing very well that he would spend his afternoon playing more Elden Ring.

The game, being a “soulsborne” series game, follows the series tradition of being a brutally difficult “dance with the boss” according to this pretentious jerk. In truth, he just bashes a big metal slab against big fleshy creatures, again and again, to feel like he’s good at something.

While very much aware of the fact that his grades are slipping and that he has way too many assignments coming up, he still plays this “really fun” game. With guilt looming over his very soul, he grinds away at 1 of 120 bosses featured in the game.

“I mean, come on,” Oturah exclaimed. “I get to dual wield cool weapons and fight cool monsters. It’s totally worth sacrificing my education, I swear.”

The s

(The author has abandoned this article in favor of doing a task that does NOT start with an “E” and end with a “lden Ring”)