FDA releases new food recommendations


Madeline Eakin

Adapted from unsplash.com “Jimmy Dean.”

Madeline Eakin, Satire

Here at the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), we feel it is our job to provide America with the best nutritional advice available. But it has come to our attention that millions of Americans are struggling to follow our dietary recommendations. Luckily, we have a simple solution to this issue. As of March 7, we will remove all junk food from every store across America. 

This is the easiest way to ensure that people eat healthily and don’t put garbage into their bodies. In the following pages, we have compiled a list of foods we will be removing from the shelves within the next two weeks. In doing this, we have your best internet at heart, and we hope these changes will prevent the growing obesity and chronic disease rates across the nation.

Another thing to note: You can disregard any of our previous dietary recommendations before March 7. We have settled upon new food choices based on the most up-to-date nutritional studies. Sources: Netflix documentary What the Health, “That Vegan Teacher” on TikTok, and feedback from dieters on their day-to-day eating habits.

Frozen foods: You can forget about them. Not only are they filled with preservatives, but they are high in unnecessary sodium and fat. You might as well just get rid of your freezer.

All desserts (cookies, cake, popsicles, donuts, and more): This one should be obvious. Sugar is off-limits completely, which leads us to our next no-no.

Fruit: Sugar is sugar. Rules are rules. We do not want to risk a blood sugar spike. Fruit is high in sugar and carbs, so we need to cut it out.

Eggs: Yes, we, too, heard the rumor that eggs are bad because of high cholesterol. We’re not completely sure if the type of cholesterol is good or bad, so just to be safe, we’re staying away. Eggs will be removed from all shelves.

Brussel sprouts, sardines, and blue cheese: We wouldn’t want to have a negative impact on anyone’s mental health, so because of the unappealing smell and taste (we all know they give off bad vibes) we will be removing these items along with other horrendous smells from shelves ASAP.

All dairy products: We’re talking milk, yogurt, butter, and a whole lot of cheese. Haven’t you heard? Dairy is scary! It’s filled with fat, cholesterol, and as disgusting as it may sound, a “safe amount of pus.” I can’t believe it was once approved by us. 

All meat and seafood: Not only is meat extremely fattening, but the deaths of millions of innocent fish and chickens are unacceptable. They deserve so much more in life than to be cooped up in a barn or fish tank, only for a couple chewy bites of meat.

All gluten products: They are way too high in carbohydrates which causes bloating and weight gain. “A moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.”

But don’t worry, everyone, all medication stays. Take as many doses as you want that we really don’t care about. Don’t mind the side effects, which may include stomach aches, drowsiness, slowed breathing, confusion, diarrhea, insomnia, blood clots, memory loss, death, and more.

We understand these cravings may be hard to resist, so here are a few indistinguishable swaps for your old guilty pleasures.

Water in place of any soft drink. If you close your eyes and take a sip, you can’t even tell the difference, I promise.

Pasta noodles swapped for zucchini noodles. It’s basically the same exact thing, only better because of the zucchini crunch!

Replace bread with lettuce. Lettuce-wrapped sandwiches, lettuce-wrapped burgers, lettuce-wrapped lettuce, the possibilities are endless! It reduces so many carbs, and it’s delicious.

Kale chips in place of potato chips. Sooo good and sooo crunchy! Don’t mind the weird kale aftertaste. It’s a great option if you love a little something chalky and bitter, yum.

Instead of french fries, try carrots. Pop them in the microwave to soften them up, and you’ll be left with the same warm, mushy, delectable fry.

Lastly, if you’re craving something sweet, try a spoonful of peas. The sweetness of this vegetable tastes just like your favorite desserts so make sure only to eat them on special occasions.

We feel that taking this new approach will put an end to obesity and chronic diseases across the nation. We ask that you are flexible with this information because they are subject to change every 10 years. We thank you for your cooperation, and we’re looking forward to transforming America into the #1 healthiest country.