How to SAFELY access the dark web

Alika Gusman, Satire

Are you trying to commit credit card fraud? Hire a hitman as a prank? Well, I’ve got just the plan for you. Not only will you learn how to access the dark web, but you will soon be able to access it with ease and LOADS of security. 

Firstly and most importantly, it is crucial that you wear a black jacket with the hood up to be as inconspicuous as possible. Does it even matter and have any effect? Not at all. Does it make you cool like those totally realistic hackers in the movies? Most definitely.

After you accomplish this, make sure to access the web with Google Chrome. Don’t listen to some people online saying “Why would you do illegal activity on Google Chrome when they collect user data?” Those morons don’t realize that Google is doing that to protect you and your highly sanctioned illegal activities. 

Moving on, after accessing the dark web with Google Chrome, make sure that you do NOT have any VPN extensions on. Since Google Chrome is a private browser on its own, there is no need for VPNs, especially when doing fraudulent activities. Pfft, imagine paying for a Virtual Private Network when this world already has FREE public networks back to which the government can track misconduct. 

Lastly, when purchasing or making accounts on Dark Web sites, make sure to use your legal first and last name, date of birth, and SSN. How else will online criminals know who you are and how to trust you? Similarly, be sure to give full bank account details to everyone on the Dark Web. This way, criminals online will definitely not steal money out of your bank account, but rather deposit more money!

Good job! Give yourself a pat on the back, you just saved yourself a huge amount of trouble. After doing all of this, you may even receive free housing, pay no taxes, and leave your boring 9-5 job!